Kenny's Kissing Lessons
by Zarah McQuade
Summary: When Kenny is voted the best kisser in South Park, Cartman sees an opportunity for a new business venture, but the customers aren't the type Kenny expected...
1. Chapter 1

Kenny's Kissing Lessons  
Zarah McQuade

Chapter One: Unexpected Customer

Kenny sat impatiently, rubbing his palms repeatedly over his orange jeans, the rough fabric calming him slightly. He didn't want to get worked into a frenzy right before his very first customer.

When he and Cartman had first put up the flyers, Kenny hadn't thought anything would come out of it. None of the girls in this town were, shall we say, _inexperienced_ anyway. No-one needed lessons.

But Cartman was adamant. Right now he was sitting in his basement (Sorry, office), waiting for Kenny to call after his lesson ended.

It all started with a list. The girls got together and compiled a list of the top five best kissers in all of South Park, and guess which lucky son of a gun ranked number one? That's right, one Mr. Kenny McCormick. And Cartman snapped that up, insisting Kenny should offer his services to those less fortunate in his area of expertise. And Kenny, being the pervert he was, accepted in the hopes some cute girls would come along.

He bit his lips to surpress a girlish squeal when there was a knock on the door. He stood, checking himself in the mirror over the fireplace. Messy hair, cheeky grin, just the way they liked it. He hopped over and opened the door with a flourish.

Huge blue eyes stared up at him, full of apparent fear. "H-Hey, Kenny."

"Oh, hi Butters." Kenny dropped the flirtatious manner quickly and stepped aside so Butters could come in. He hoped whatever his little friend wanted wouldn't take long, because his 'client' was due in...He glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece. Now. His client was due now.

He looked at Butters with new panic on his face.

"So, uh..." Butters grinned sheepishly at Kenny up through his eyelashes. "What do you want me to d-do?"

Kenny gaped, doing his best impression of a startled fish, and held up a single finger.

"Sit down." He offered. "I'll be right back."

Butters lowered himself onto the couch and clasped his hands on his knees. Kenny walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter heavily. Rolling his head back to examine the cracks in the ceiling, Kenny blew out his breath and muttered "Shit...".

Pulling his cell phone from his back pocket, he turned and slid his elbows along the counter, bringing it to his ear.

"Yes?" Came Cartman's cold, snide voice from the reciever.

"Butters?" Kenny questioned. This was their friendship in a nutshell. No 'hello's, no 'how are you's. Straight to the point, bitingly dry, and with quite cruel undertones. "Really, Eric?"

"What about him?" Cartman asked innocently, making Kenny's blood boil.

"I can't do this!" He hissed, lowing his face towards the counter. He hoped Butters couldn't hear this. "Butters is, no matter how much he looks otherwise, a guy!"

"Ay!" Cartman yelled warningly. Kenny could almost see him beating the table with his index finger. "He is a paying customer and you will teach that little pussy virgin to kiss, so help me God!"

And the phone went dead.

Kenny growled under his breath, pushing violently off the counter and stomping back to the living room. He leaned on the left side of the doorframe, surveying Butters with weary eyes. Butters continued to grin dumbly. Poor kid probably didn't even know what Kenny was going to do.

Kenny eventually broke the silence by sighing heavily and moving to sit beside Butters.

"Okay...Why do you want to do this?" Kenny began, leaning his head in his hand and deciding it was best to just get it over with.

"Well...Well, I don't know, Ken. I've only ever kissed a girl for like a second before, and I-I heard there was a lot more to it than that."

Kenny suppressed a laugh, holding back enough that he only smiled. Butters smiled back.

"Well, you got that right, buddy!" Kenny patted Butters' back companionably.

"And I h-heard you were the best!" Butters laughed. "So I figured..." He trailed off.

"Yeah, I get it." Kenny looked at his scuffed shoes and chewed the inside of his cheek, feeling awkward. He searched his mind for anything he'd been planning on saying to the girls before jumping on them. "So, is there anyone in particular you were thinking of...yeah? Girls, boys, Craig, Bebe, Wendy?"

Butters cheeks had flushed pink on the word 'boys' and this made Kenny a little more uncomfortable. "Well, there is someone but...I don't really want to..." Butters fidgeted, obviously distressed. Kenny took his clenched fists and advised him it would be better to calm down. He got Butters' breathing in order before continuing.

"You don't have to tell me, Butters." Kenny smiled. "Okay, uh...Close your eyes."

Butters' breathing began to flutter around a little as his lids gently closed. Kenny lifted his hand, only to pause, unsure of where to put it. Shoulder would be awkward, hand too loving, waist too personal. After waving his hand around Butters for a moment, he laid it on his chest. He felt the smaller boy's heartbeat, frantic beneath the baby blue of his thin T-shirt.

"Relax..." Kenny breathed, leaning forward until their lips were almost together. "Are you paying attention or just enjoying the moment?" He laughed lightly. Butters squirmed.

"Uh, buh...I..." He searched for words, keeping his eyes closed. Kenny chuckled and pressed their lips together. Butters melted into the arm of the couch, and Kenny followed him down, pressing him into the couch a little. He didn't move his mouth yet, just allowing Butters to become accustomed to his lips.

After a few more seconds, he freed Butters and allowed him up for air. Butters' cheeks were stained red and his hands shook where he placed them on his lap. Kenny looked at him. His tufty blonde hair was mussed up and sexy, his huge blue eyes pooling with knowledge and thoughts Kenny couldn't alight upon for even a second. And his lips. Butters' lips. They were, Kenny knew now, soft and full. They were pink, and they were parted ever so slightly as Butters stared at Kenny almost sadly.

"Mmm! Butters!" Kenny smacked his lips in an attempt to make Butters laugh. "You taste damn fine!"

Butters blushed deeper, but smiled coyly. "Want more?"

"Huh?" Kenny asked, eyes widening. Butters put his hands to his cheeks and smiled wider. "Nothin'. Ignore me, Kenny, I'm a little weird sometimes."

Kenny noticed Butters' lack of a stammer and leaned away slightly. "Okay...Shall we move on?"

"Let's."

Kenny decided to start instructing to be sure Butters didn't get the wrong idea. Although, now he'd had them once, Kenny couldn't wait to get his mouth hooked onto those amazing lips once more. But he contained his perverted thoughts and asked Butters to imagine he, Kenny, was the person of his dreams.

"Okay." Butters replied curtly, without hesitation. As if the task were easy for him. Kenny expected a little squint, as would be Butters' character, but nothing of the sort happened. Butters simply sat and waited for his next instruction.

"And lay one on me. But follow my lead."

Kenny was not expecting what happened next, which was that Butters crawled between Kenny's legs seductively and placed a cool hand on his cheek. The nervousness had completely gone, and instead he seemed to have bedroom eyes, which drew Kenny in directly. Kenny's lids felt heavy as Butters pressed his lips to is own. For a moment he forgot he was supposed to be teaching Butters to kiss, and just kissed him for the fun of it, pulling Butters' small form down on top of him and running his hands down his back to the seat of his pants. Butters broke away, panting, and held himself in an awkward hug.

"I have to go." He breathed raggedly, and shot from the room and out of the house.

"Fuck!" Kenny growled, jumping into a sitting position and slapping his palms to his forehead. "Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck, Kenny, you are not-I repeat: NOT, gay!"

His cell phone began to ring and he moved to answer it dejectedly.

"Hey." He greeted weakly.

"How was it?" Cartman sneered.

"Super." Kenny replied sarcastically. "Thanks for asking."


	2. Chapter 2

Kenny's Kissing Lessons

**A/N: Just a quick one to answer a question on how old the boys are. They're currently in their summer between high school and college, and looking forward to receiving their final exam results.**

Chapter Two: Tastes Like Tacos

"Now." Cartman sighed heavily and glared at Kenny over the top of his non-prescription spectacles. "Butters is coming back later for his second lesson, providing you promise not to molest him this time."

Kenny folded his arms and glared at his shoes, refusing to meet Cartman's gaze. Yet he still chuckled. "Seriously, Kenny, I knew you were a slut but..." He shook his head and muttered "Poor Butters...".

"Shut up." Kenny muttered back, making Cartman grin.

"So, your second customer is on their way right about now. I'll get out of your hair." As he stepped out of the front door, Cartman glared back at Kenny, pointing a single finger his way. "Don't screw up this time."

Then he was gone.

Kenny sat back on the couch. This time, he was neither excited or nervous about his customer. Because now he knew Cartman had set him up with one boy, what was going to stop him from doing it again? So Kenny simply waited, until there was a knock on the door. Then he pushed himself up from his chair and opened it.

Standing on the doorstep was Clyde Donovan.

"Son of a bitch." Kenny whispered. Out loud, he simply said "Hey Clyde."

Clyde did not wait to be invited in. He strode past Kenny, hands in pockets, surveying his surroundings non-chalantly. "Hey Ken. I'm here for kissing lessons."

"Uh-huh." Kenny raised an eyebrow, but Clyde had his back to him and didn't notice. Kenny felt Clyde was too relaxed for an obviously straight guy about to make out with another guy, and sensed Cartman hadn't told Clyde the whole truth. These suspicions were confirmed when Clyde turned and asked "So where's the chick I'm assigned to?" and rubbed his hands together greedily.

"Chick?" Kenny asked, and he couldn't stop a small smirk enhancing his features.

"Yeah, I get a girl teaching me, right?" Clyde eyed Kenny wearily.

"Nuh-uh." Kenny shook his head, blonde bangs escaping into his eyes.

"Then who..." Clyde trailed off and pointed at Kenny accusingly, backing against the wall. "Oh no! No, no! I'm not...Are you freaking kidding me?"

"I am not." Kenny grinned wider, flopping down onto the couch.

"I just paid Cartman ten dollars-TEN DOLLARS!-for kissing lessons with you?"

"Seems like it."

Clyde sighed and plopped down on the couch beside Kenny. "And I'm guessing I won't be able to get a refund?"

"Nope." Kenny gave him the 'what can you do?' smile, and lifted his shoulders.

"And the girls really voted you best kisser?" Clyde squinted, like giving Kenny a simple look could make him crack.

"It's my tongue skills. They should feel them elsewhere!" Kenny winked and snickered, but Clyde's mouth just hung open as his brains ticked around, at a slightly slower pace than everyone else's.

"Then I guess we should start." Clyde said slowly.

Kenny dropped his head forwards and squeezed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "Really, Clyde? Really?"

Clyde put the blue cuff of his jacket sleeve in his mouth and chewed, nodding at Kenny, brown eyes fluttering their lashes. To be frank, Kenny found this extremely seductive. His mind wandered back to the day before, when Butters had been sitting in the spot he sat in now, and he suppressed a shiver. Butters had been playing on his mind quite a lot since his amazing kiss. But Kenny refused to admit to himself that twice in two days had he found something a boy did seductive in any way. Instead, he sighed heavily and told Clyde to close his eyes.

"Now I'm just going to let you get used to having a boy kiss you." He warned, and Clyde nodded. Kenny put his hand to Clyde's face and turned him to face him. Then he pressed their mouths together.

"Dude, you taste like a taco." Kenny told him frankly. Clyde grinned, like it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him.

"I do?" He asked. "Really?"

"You're a retard, Clyde."

The poor boy looked crestfallen, but Kenny laughed and slapped his back. "So dude, who are we training for?"

"Oh you know, just general ladies." Clyde waggled his eyebrows childishly and Kenny smirked.

"Well, now's the hard part." Kenny told him, and told Clyde to imagine him as the perfect girl. Clyde frowned for a second as he surveyed Kenny, but then perked up considerably and chirped "Easy!".

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kenny asked, meaning it as a joke. But Clyde looked down and fidgeted a little before replying "Well, you do sort of look like a girl, Ken.". He gave a lopsided smile as Kenny's mouth dropped open incredulously.

"I look like a-? I'm not..." Kenny, for once, was lost for smart remarks. Then, "Well if you ever want a free screw Clyde, you know where to come." Kenny leaned forward and patted his own ass. "And I mean that in every way possible."

"You suck." Clyde told him.

"Only if you want me to."

Clyde kept his mouth shut this time and followed instruction. Kenny watched Clyde close his eyes and lean in, his taco-breath enveloping Kenny's senses.

To be honest, Clyde wasn't that bad a kisser, and Kenny doubted he needed lessons. But he did have some wisdom to impart before Clyde left at the end of their lesson.

"To be honest, before you brush your teeth, I'm not giving you anything. And I bet girls would feel the same way."

Clyde grumbled as he stuffed his hands in his pockets and headed for the door. "I'd freaking love to kiss a taco...ungrateful...".

Standing on the steps outside was Butters, shivering a little from the cold.

"Oh, hey Butters. Come on in." Kenny greeted him warmly. Butters smiled and hurried inside. Clyde turned to look at Kenny with wide eyes, and Kenny simply shrugged before shutting the door firmly in Clyde's face.

"Butters?" Kenny felt his face reddening now they were alone, remembering how his hands had rested on the back of those green-blue jeans. "I want you to know I'm sorry about yesterday. Sometimes I get carried away with myself...And that wasn't helped by the fact that you are a truly awesome kisser." Kenny grinned cheekily and winked. Butters smiled right back.

"That's fine, Kenny. I-I didn't mind."

"You didn't mind? But Cartman said-"

"Wouldn't want Cartman to know there's more to this than simple kissing lessons." Butters interrupted, that unsettling aura surrounding him once more, stutters and ticks going out the window. Kenny didn't know what was with this kid, but his rapid changes in personality made him feel a little less confident about their situation.

"More?" Kenny asked, stepping forward. Butters dropped dramatically onto the couch, putting up his feet and generally lounging. He giggled, and Kenny shivered.

"Never mind Kenny, I'm just being weird again." He laughed. Kenny smiled and sat beside Butters' feet. "So what're we learning today?" Asked his new companion eagerly.

"Tongues." Kenny replied bluntly. "Lots of them. Well, two of them. Yours and mine." Kenny realized he was rambling and met Butters' eyes. "Tongues." He repeated quietly.

"Ah, see, this is what I don't understand." Butters confided, tilting his head. "What are you supposed to do with it?" He chuckled.

"Well, see, it's hard to explain." Kenny sighed. "I may have to show you...I-If you don't mind." Kenny wanted to hit himself upon realizing he had stuttered more than Butters had in their last sentences.

Butters looked down, and the casual air lifted, his usual trembling manner returning. Kenny liked the usual Butters. He wondered if Butters changed his personality on purpose to appear 'cool' or 'grown-up', as opposed to his usual childish naivete. Kenny shook his head. Butters didn't need to act. He was perfect the way he was.

He didn't just think that.

"Umm...O-okay." Butters smiled shyly, looking up at Kenny from under his lashes. Again, Kenny couldn't help but admire the boy, with his generally perfect appearance. Puberty looked good on him, his skin seemingly immune to acne or any blemish, other than a small scar under his left eye. Kenny reached out and touched the scar, running his finger along the short length of it. Butters scowled, bringing his hand up to hide the scar, but Kenny slapped his hand away lightly.

"I like it." He muttered, brushing the scar with his thumb as he brought their faces together and initiated a kiss. Butters jolted a little, but quickly settled into the rhythm of Kenny's lips.

Kenny waited a single moment before running his tongue delicately along Butters' bottom lip. Butters made a sound like a startled bird, lips parting. Kenny pushed in his tongue, not roughly, as he usually would, but gently. He explored Butters' mouth, playing his favourite games and smiling when Butters' own tongue awoke and began to play too. Kenny felt his intentions straying, and wrenched them back to reality. He was teaching Butters. They were not dating, they were not even caught up in a sordid little affair. Cartman had forced Butters to pay for Kenny's services. For a whole week of them, to be exact.

He pulled back his tongue before he could lose track again, kissing Butters once more before breaking away. Butters' eyes flew open, and he blinked at Kenny for several minutes, vision cloudy. Kenny stared back, marshalling his thoughts and clearing his mind.

He cleared his throat. "Okay. You get that, huh?"

Butters didn't respond. He didn't even nod his head. He just continued to blink those baby-blues of his. Kenny found his eyes wandering over Butters' face, searching for more things to touch. Other than the scar, there was nothing. Nothing but pale white skin, those huge blue eyes, a turned-up nose, and those amazingly skilled pink lips.

Butters blinked hard a final time and began to nod. "Yeah. Yepp. Yeah." He grinned. "Got that."

Kenny couldn't help but laugh at Butters' discombobulation. "Geez, Butters, am I really that good?"

"Very g-good, Kenny." Butters answered honestly, earning a rare Kenny-blush.

"Well thanks. Don't tell anyone but..." Kenny leaned in as if imparting great wisdom, and Butters leaned in to receive it. "I don't think you need these lessons."

Butters grinned and winked. "Me neither."


End file.
